Time. I’ve been thinking a lot about time. As in … “Isn’t it time you wrote your blog?” said Amy. “There are people counting on you to give them a good way to waste time.”
Which brings me back to time.
I'm not sure how to put this politely, but Australians managed to totally screw up time. Including daylight savings, there are thirteen zones: ACDT, ACST, ACT, ACWST, AEDT, AEST, AET, AWDT, AWST, CXT, LHDT, LHST, and NFT. I’m going to add NFW and WTF. Part of the problem is that half of the country refuses to observe daylight savings time because only wankahs try to manipulate the fourth dimension. As an example, Alice Springs is roughly due north of Adelaide. Half the year, we have the same time and Australia seems pretty reasonable. Half the year, Australia seems insane. Adelaide is an hour later than Alice Springs, half an hour behind Cairns in the northeast, half an hour behind Sydney to the east and two and a half hours ahead of the west.
The issue has become political. South Australian politicians have attempted to force the poor citizenry to change time zones for 30 years. This has been going on as long as the argument about whether Solo shot first (he did, obviously). At one point in the process, some idiot proposed splitting SA into two time zones - you know, because thirteen isn’t enough. Proponents assert (somewhat aggressively) that changing time zones will reduce traffic accidents, improve communication with east coast suppliers, and solve problems with "online diaries" between south australian and eastern state users. Ok. I see where they're coming from. Change time zones so everyone can use the same computer program. Or, just saying, you could hire an IT guy. From what I can gather, that’s sort of what they do.
But the most compelling argument I’ve read is that the 30 minute difference with the east “feeds a perception that South Australia is out of touch.” “Feeds” in the sense of “proves.”
Not to oversimplify, but it seems like the key is simply agreeing to do the same thing. The problem is when everyone wants to do their own thing. That’s called Anarchy or Being 6.
That’s when Kim Jon Un gave me an idea. I recognize that’s one of those sentences you never expect to hear, just like “I”m going to grab a beer with Satan” or “President Trump displayed striking intelligence and compassion” or “Dad, would it be okay if I scratched your back after I did the dishes?” You’re probably thinking that the Kiminator gave me the idea to become a despot where I assume total control over millions of people and spend large amounts of time executing my advisors and watching basketball with Dennis Rodman.
Okay, he gave me two ideas.
Time Zones. You probably heard that the Unster suddenly declared that North Korea was creating its own time zone. Pyongyang time. The move came in defiance of “wicked Japanese Imperialists” who deprived them of standard Korean time for fifty years. I think Kim Jong teared up when he talked about the billions in lost productivity caused by fatigued North Korean workers underperforming in their jobs. Or the great North Korean satirists who were too sleepy to write good jokes. It could even be why Kim Jon doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor. Or many satirists.
In any case, it’ll be a big blow to all those wicked Japanese time zone map makers.
But it got me thinking. I’ve decided to create my own time zone. Lukertime. Wherever I am, it’ll be 4:14 in the afternoon. It’s a good time. Early dusk in Maine. Close to quitting time. Defensible to have a beverage.
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| Ahhhh. 4:14. |
